I’m Full.
Dear Andy:
I have no idea where this past year went. Especially this past month – it kind of grabbed me by the wrist and yanked me into 2016. I sat down on New Year’s Eve and took some time to reflect and think about my focus for the upcoming year. This year seemed to be pretty ho-hum as I racked my brain for anything of substance to recall. School, family, blah, blah, bl – oh, wait. I bought a house. I’m a homeowner. HOW DO YOU FORGET THAT YOU BOUGHT A HOUSE?
No big deal.
I also experienced Mardi Gras on the Gulf Coast, completed my first level of Kodály training, grew my first delicious garden full of food, opened a private music studio, ran my second half-marathon, and joined the board of our local children’s choir.
Nothing major.
How in the world did I manage to forget most of the things I accomplished this year? I dunno. Too much going on, I guess. At one point I had four – yes, four – jobs, which obviously is ridiculous. However, the third job gave me the financial stability I needed long enough to leave the second one in order to open my studio (number four). With the transitioning between them, I ended up working all four concurrently for a short time. So now I’m down to two: teaching at school and teaching privately. Look at me, all using my degree and stuff! (No shame on those who aren’t; I’m just thankful that I still love teaching music and that I’ve been afforded the means to make it my entire livelihood). I also made six trips to Gulf Shores (props to Grandma for keeping track because I sure didn’t realize it until I headed down for Christmas). Yes, I got to go to the beach and eat steamed shrimp and beignets and stuff like that (which is wonderful and all that is good and right in the world), but Grandpa’s health is declining. I mean, that’s what happens when we age, but it’s still a difficult thing to face. He has good days, and not-so-good days. So, yeah. It’s been hard to come home, wondering if that was the last time. And Grandma – she is seriously the fiercest, most encouraging woman ever. I want to be able to be there for her and knowing I’m a minimum of 5 hours away assuming I can get an immediate flight south doesn’t make it any easier.
So I’m not making any resolutions this year. I have some plans, but we’ll see whether or not they stick. My plate is full. And I’m full. So this year I have a word, a focus. A mantra, if you will: full. I don’t want to be so busy that I catch myself coming and going and can’t even remember what I spent an entire year doing. Which also begs the question: If I can’t remember it, was it even that important? Or was I so busy Instagramming and Facebooking everything so that I could remember it later that I was never really there in the first place? Because that’s how I remembered I bought a house – reviewing my Instagram.
This is my last semester with the fifth graders I’ve had since they were in Kindergraten. I want to be fully present for them (and all my students, but especially them), creating memories in this little bit of time we have left together before they move on to middle school.
I want my time to be full of people who are important to me (and me to them). Trying to do all and be all is my fatal flaw. I know it’s impossible to be two places at once, but I’ve sure tried to – sometimes even three. I can’t be fully dedicated to ANYTHING when I (try to) do that. The madness stops now. I can do something for someone, but I can’t do everything for everyone.
My garden will be full of even more deliciousness this year. In just a couple months it will be time to finalize my layout, start seeds, and prep the ground. Last year was a put-it-in-the-ground-and-see-if-it-grows kind of venture, so I know what I want to keep and what I want to change. I can’t wait!!
My free time will be full of music. I spend so much time preparing and making music for and with others (whether at school, in lessons, or at church) that I have neglected making time for music that challenges me and brings me enjoyment. I can’t demand excellence from my students if I can’t deliver it myself.
I’m going to run a full marathon. *buries hands in face* lol What did I sign myself up for? 26.2 miles. Oh boy. At least I’ll know that I can run from my house to Wal-Mart and back. OK. No more whining. It’s two halvsies – one for me, and one for you. BECAUSE YOU SURE NEVER WOULD HAVE.
Full. 2016 is going to be full. I will be full. Of love. Joy. Creativity. Peace. Contentment. Life. You made my heart and my life so full and happy, and I will never forget how broken and empty I became when I lost you. Being busy has been my defense mechanism. If I kept myself occupied then I wouldn’t have time to hurt or miss you – or be fully present in whatever was happening, good or bad. It has taken a lot of time to glue the broken pieces back together. But now the glue has dried, and I am going to be full again.
Cheers to 2016.
Hugs to Jessie and Cupcake. Give Grandpa a high-five.
All my love,
Jenny
Dear Andy: 